DOWN & DIRTY DEFINITIONS
Jaxon & Jewels' Glossary of Terms**
(**NOT an exhaustive list, just a list of the terms used in this podcast, as defined by Jaxon & Jewels)
(**NOT an exhaustive list, just a list of the terms used in this podcast, as defined by Jaxon & Jewels)
- BISEXUAL: Sexual preference is typically based on being attracted to both anatomical/cis genders: male and female. Bisexuality is a spectrum of sexual preferences that involve both "men" and "women", which for a bisexual is traditionally anatomically defined. Bisexuals can be attracted to the “gray” areas (e.g. transpeople or non-binary/gender fluid), but these are the exceptions. (See “pansexual”**)
- BOTTOM - "Passivo" en espanol: The preference of receiving anal sex, not giving anal sex (“top”**). Bottoms are a spectrum like all of these definitions are. Some are hardcore bottoms and never top. Some will flip/vers** at times, but are still more bottom. This is called a "bottom/vers", which is what Jaxon is.
- CIS: Referring to the anatomical gender you were born with REGARDLESS of the sexual orientation you identify with. Cis males are born with a penis and cis females are born with a vagina. A transgender** female (male to female or "mtf" for short) is a cis male that identifies as feminine/female. A transgender** male (female to male or "ftm" for short) is a cis female that identifies as masculine/male. It would be offensive to refer to a trans female as a cis male or a trans male as a cis female. We are only being this semantical here to help people understand the definitions. How a trans female or trans male would describe themselves is a huge spectrum as well. Also, how much of the trans female or trans male identity they take on is very individual. Some will never transition (no hormones or surgeries), many will partially transition (hormones), less will fully transition (hormones plus surgery options).
- DOM: Refers to an attitude about sex, rather than describing specific sexual activities. Typically "Doms" like to lead and/or be more in control over their partner during sex. This is different than a full "Dominatrix". Dominatrix is someone who is both "Dom" and specifically trained in BDSM community techniques. "Dom" is short for "Dominatrix", but anecdotally....just because someone says they are "more Dom", doesn't mean they are a full blown "Dominatrix". Additionally, even though bottoms** like to receive anal sex, not all are "sub" just because they are receiving. A "Power Bottom" is someone who likes to receive anal sex, but also is more verbally dom and likes to control the encounter. There are sub tops that really like power bottoms. Both Jaxon & Jewels are more subs that like to please sexually.
- ENM or "Ethical Non-Monagamy" (sometimes called "CNM or Consensual Non-Monagamy"): A sexually intimate relationship that agrees to open their relationship up at some level. Partners have sexual experiences with others outside of their marriage, but their partner is aware of and consents to those experiences. For ENM to be successful it requires ONE HUNDRED PERCENT TRANSPARENCY with your partner. ENM is a more inclusive and less antiquated term than "open marriage" simply because not all people in a modern committed relationship get married.
- FULL SWAP: This is a lifestyle term referring to the most liberal portion of the lifestyle spectrum** where there are little to no physical limits during sex with someone other than your partner. In the lifestyle vernacular, full swap refers to allowing full intercourse/penetration (vaginal and/or anal) when having sex with someone else. Soft swap**, described later, allows everything but penetration.
- GENDER FLUID/NON-BINARY: These beings don't define their sexuality based on anatomical gender and may not associate with any one sexual orientation. In Jaxon's experience, if they are open to using a term to generally describe their sexuality, many relate to pansexuality. Some gender fluid people identify as masculine, but float as feminine at times. Other non-binary people identify as feminine, but float as masculine. Some prefer to not identify as either and can float as masculine or feminine depending. Some beings on this spectrum are fine with "male" or "female" pronouns, especially if they identify more with male or female. Many more gender fluid beings do not like to be locked into the automatic associations made when you say "he" or "she". Consequently, "they" is a common pronoun preferred by non-binary peeps. "They" might seem weird to some. But, if you think about it, English is a dumb non-descriptive language. "They" was the next best pronoun choice. And we use "they" and "people" a lot in basic speech, even though we might not be truly referring to a group of people.
- HALL PASS: Refers to the ability of one partner to have a separate sexual experience with someone else, other than their primary partner, with full consent from their partner. This often is with a specific person, situation, or for a specific purpose (such as “hotwife” or “stag” situations - feel free to Google these terms).
- HETEROSEXUAL: Beings that are sexually attracted to the opposite gender.
- HOMOSEXUAL: Beings that are sexually attracted to the same gender.
- LIFESTYLE SPECTRUM: A range of perspectives on sex and/or sexual activities that are above and beyond how the general population thinks about sexuality or engages in sexual acts. This spectrum includes anyone engaging in alternative sexuality, from nudism to swingers. In Jaxon &Jewel's opinion, "Swingers" and "Lifestylers" ARE NOT THE SAME. Swingers, full swap and soft swap relationships, are the most liberal side of the lifestyle spectrum. But there is plenty of room on the lifestyle spectrum for monogamous relationships! For example, the most conservative side of the lifestyle spectrum is a pure nudist. They separate sexuality from being naked and often pass this perspective on to their kids. The nudist community is good at helping kids have a healthy outlook on body image and sex. Typically nudists think that "swingers" are disgusting and consequently do not like being called "lifestylers", because it is often used synonymously with "full swap". But, if you polled the general public, they would consider the pure nudists' separation of sexuality and nudity to be above and beyond the norm. Some people have a hard time being naked with their partner, let alone completely separating the two and being naked around your kids. Consequently, it is the opinion of Jaxon & Jewels that the most conservative entry point on the Lifestyle Spectrum is the traditional, monogamous nudist and the most extreme liberal end of the spectrum is "full swap", which is a more modern term for "swinger". Between the pure nudist and full swap perspectives/activities is a RIDICULOUS spectrum of individual preferences on sex. Soooo, if you think about sex and/or engage in sex in a way that the general population would not...you're in the lifestyle, per Jaxon & Jewels. HOWEVER, this does NOT mean you necessarily have sex with other people; you can be completely monogamous!! Maybe you like to be naked in a sexually charged environment with your partner (we call these curious or charged nudists), but then go do your own thing, your own fantasies and would never touch another person physically, let alone have sex with them. Or, maybe it's voyeurism that really gets you going with your partner(s) sometimes, but again monogamy rules....we only touch and have sex with each other. The lifestyle is a spectrum of sexually advanced perspectives, attitudes and activities that includes both monogamous and ENM relationships.
- MONOGAMY: Relationships that only have a sexual relationship with their primary committed partner. Even monogamy is a spectrum. Some are hardcore: don't look or think about someone else. Some play with fantasies of other people in the bedroom. It is important to note that ALL sexual orientations have a core cohort of monogamous relationships.
- OPEN MARRIAGE: This is on the ENM** spectrum. ENM refers to any committed relationship that has been opened up at some level with 100% transparency. Marriage is one type of committed relationship, but there are brilliantly committed relationships that don't get married. Therefore, "ENM" is a more updated and inclusive term than "open marriage", likened to "Full Swap" being a more modern and less antiquated term than "Swinger".
- PANSEXUAL: Sexuality is typically based on pure attraction, REGARDLESS of anatomical gender, as opposed to bisexual** orientations. Pansexuals do not care about anatomy, but are attracted to alllll of the sexual orientations and may play different roles depending on the sexual preferences of their partner in the encounter. Many pansexuals find some of their biggest attractions in the gray: trans females, trans males and/or non-binary or gender fluid, but also have cis female and cis male types. But remember, every being is different and a hardcore definition is not the point. Trying to understand how different people's sexual paradigms drive their sexual desires IS the point. For example, Jewels is a bisexual cis female. She has a couple of "girly-girl" types and a couple of "masculine guy" types. Jewels is not attracted to the gray as much as Jaxon is. Jaxon is a pansexual cis male who has 20 types. Five or so are "girly-girl" and "masculine guy" types and 15 types are in the gray: transgender** (ftm or mtf) or non-binary/gender fluid** spectrums.)
- PARADIGM: A paradigm is a way of thinking about something, and a paradigm shift is thinking about something in a completely different way than you have been conditioned. The term “Paradigm'' is deeper and more complex than just a simple point of view. Jaxon is a strong believer that paradigms precipitate behavior and paradigm shifts are critical for behavior modification/change. Deployed and groomed in leadership and pedagogy spaces, paradigm philosophies can be used by leaders/educators to help them and their people understand why we collectively believe and do what we do. AND, they help us understand that if we changed a portion of our paradigm, or inverted it entirely, we could understand and do so much more and/or differently for the better…hopefully. Paradigms incorporate all of the components that create a person's point of view on a particular topic or activity. Your sexual desires are driven by more than "I like big tits"; there are tons of preferences and desires, both conscious and unconscious that drive your sexual preferences as a collective whole: YOUR sexual paradigm. JJ Raw is built on the idea of trying to help people understand their paradigms, and their partner's paradigms, in hopes of creating the most healthy, sexually intimate relationship you are striving to have.
- POLYSEXUAL vs POLYAMOROUS: These 2 terms seem similar, yet have vast differences. Polysexual refers to having more than one sexual partner. Most lifestylers that are moderate to liberal on the lifestyle spectrum are into some form of polysexuality. Polyamorous refers to more than just a physical sexual encounter; it refers to more than one emotional relationship that is typically more than a traditional "Friends With Benefits (FWB)", but below their primary emotional partner. On the more extreme end of polyamory is multiple emotional relationships to the level of a "primary", including triad relationships and other unique sexual perspectives and emotional relationships with multiple people. Polyamory is also a spectrum, including terms such as “kitchen table poly”, “compersion”, “communal living”, “nesting partner”, etc. (feel free to Google these terms, as Jaxon & Jewels don’t have a lot of experience in polyamory).
- PSYCHOLOGY BEFORE SOCIOLOGY: This is a Jaxon term that refers to a personal insecurity that can inhibit or drive a person to have a negative sociological experience, whether with their partner and/or a group of people. This concept can be applied to multiple situations outside of the sexual space. You may work with these people, and you know how carefully you must dance around them to make them feel comfortable and confident. In relationships, jealousy is the most common manifestation of this concept. Though it can be intensely real, “jealousy” is often unfounded (unless in an unhealthy relationship), yet the jealous individual gets mad at their partner for not respecting them on some level, even though the partner has given no reason for jealousy. In this instance, the jealous partner is bringing an unresolved psychological issue (past hurts/experiences) into a sociological setting (relationship, sexual encounter, resort, etc.), expecting the sociological setting to accommodate instead of the individual with the personal issue undergoing growth. It is up to the individual to "handle their own shit", if you will, instead of putting their personal struggles on their partner, or a lifestyle group, to solve. Be honest about your insecurities; and partners, try to support the person who is struggling. BUT, if you are struggling, do not chronically oppress your partner with unfounded jealousy because you are unwilling to be uncomfortable and grow. Work on your insecurities, and the sociological setting you want to engage in will be much better when you can control those personal insecurities that often rear their ugly head in an intimate relationship or swap lifestyle group settings. Easier said than done? Oh yeah....but, it's worth it to be uncomfortable and grow through unfounded insecurities that bring you and your partner(s) down. You will free yourself on more levels than just sex.
- SAME ROOM: Swap relationships that have a boundary of "same room" when having sex with other people. Some even become more specific as to "same bed", wanting to be RIGHT next to their partner. For example, "We agree to have sex with other people, but we want to be on the bed next to each other or at least in the same room." Most swap couples without an open relationship have the "same room" or "same bed" boundary. Even Jaxon & Jewels with an open relationship enjoy same room, (because it's so hawwwt to watch the other person!!), although it is not a hard boundary for us, as we have an open relationship.
- SAPIOSEXUAL: Someone who is attracted to intelligence, or the mind of another person. A sapiosexual has a better sexual experience when they can first make an intellectual connection. Jewels is a sapio, and intellectual attraction can definitely enhance, and sometimes outweigh, the physical attraction. The level of physical attraction that also must be present is a spectrum. It totally depends on the individual sapio how much intellect can overcome a less than ideal physical attraction. If a sapio has both intellectual AND physical attraction...watch out!! And, start recording..... ;P
- SEPARATE ROOM: This refers to having experiences with other partners in separate rooms at the same time. This the more liberal end of the full swap spectrum. Most relationships agreeable to separate room have some level of an open relationship. This is not always the case, however; for example, some swap couples treat "separate room" like a "hall pass**", in that it is only allowed in specific situations/settings. We have been with people at lifestyle resorts that are fine with separate room encounters only while they are at the resort. Other than that, they may not swap at all or require a different boundary back home, such as same room or same bed. But for the most part, if you are in a relationship that is comfortable with and/or exploring separate room, you are also having conversations related to opening up your relationship either generally or conditionally.
- SIDE: This is a newer term in the cis male gay communities as well as pansexuals, trans and non-binary beings. Being a "side" is similar to the lifestyle term "soft swap". That is, a side does everything but anal penetration. Some peeps are sides even with their primary partner and other sides are only sides when they play outside their primary partner. Being a "side" is NOT a sexual orientation, it is a single word that describes the sexual activities they like, or in this case don't like. Sides are typically beings with a penis, but this is not necessarily true conceptually. There are similiar concepts, preferences and approaches in the cis female lesbian community.
- SOFT SWAP: A boundary for swap couples, regardless of orientation, that allows sexual interactions with other beings but not penetration. Soft swap is a more common term used in heterosexuals and "side**" is a more common term used in homo, bi and pansexual orientations.
- SPECTRUM: This is a very broad term, and refers to the idea that no one term defines all persons or situations; there are multiple variations of every definition. No being is the same and every relationship is a prototype that has never been done before. Consequently, when we starting defining terms and concepts the specifics can vary; the definition is actually a range, or a “spectrum”. Jaxon & Jewels use the term spectrum to describe the variability you will inevitably find when trying to lump beings' sexuality into nice and neat semantical cabinets. For example, how Jewels describes her bisexuality will be different than how another bisexual person describes their sexual orientation. Jaxon describes his pansexuality one way and a non-binary pansexual side would describe their pansexuality completely differently. Some people do not define the lifestyle as a spectrum the way we do and equate "lifestyle" to "swinger"; we would say that a “swinger” is just one part of the lifestyle spectrum. The secret to life is perspective. Perspective leads to realization that life is gray, not so black and white. Sex is no different. In fact a being's sexuality is a very complex part of their internal matrix and much grace must be given when you ask someone to talk about and define their sexuality.
- SUB: Like with "Dom**" this is an attitude towards sex and is a term from the BDSM community. A sub likes to sexually serve their partner; often referring to themselves as "pleasers". Just because someone says they are "more sub", doesn't necessarily mean that they are into BDSM. It can be that they are more passive in their sexuality and like someone else to lead, or it could mean that they are fully engaged in the BDSM community as a sex slave to a true dominatrix. Or, it could mean any number of things inbetween.
- SWITCH: Switch is a BDSM term that refers to an attitude towards sex, or a role in a sexual situation, and can either be dom** OR sub**. A switch can be completely straight, and male, female, or they. Sometimes they like to lead, sometimes they like to follow. Within the BDSM community, switches can be a dominatrix, but also like to be subservient. How much a switch likes to be dom vs. sub depends on the switch. Just like a vers in penis to penis sex has varying takes on when they like to give vs. receive, switches are a spectrum of when they like to take lead vs. be more sub.
- TOP - "Activo" en espanol: The preference of giving anal sex, not receiving anal sex (“bottom”**). Tops are a spectrum like all of these definitions are. Some are hardcore tops and never bottom. Some tops are also more dom, some are more sub, or will play a sub top depending on the situation, such as with a power bottom. Jaxon plays sub top with Jewels sometimes. If a top will flip/verse at times, they will often call themselves a "Top/Vers".
- TRANSGENDER FEMALE - male to female or "mtf" for short: A transgender female is a cis male that identifies as female. Know that "Shemale" is an offensive term to the transgender female community and is consider a porn fetish. How a trans female visually likes to present themselves is a spectrum. Some take no hormones or surgeries and present more as a masculine crossdresser (CD) even though they feel 100% feminine inside and would identify as "female" and NOT "masculine CD". Some will take HRT (hormone replacement therapy) so that they start to have a more feminine appearance. Then, there are top and bottom surgery options for trans females to finalize their transitions. In Jaxon's experience with trans females, most do HRT for months or years first, and the top surgery election (breast augmentation) is more common than the bottom surgery options (testicular removal or complete anatomical sex change). But, every trans female being is unique. Again, these definitions are only meant as a starting place for conversation. These are not gospel definitions! :)
- TRANSGENDER MALE - female to male or "ftm" for short: A transgender male is a cis female that identifies as male. Know that "transman" can be offensive to certain beings in this community, so best to stay away from that term. How a trans male visually likes to present themselves is a spectrum. Some take no hormones or surgeries and present more as a feminine non-binary who identifies as masculine and may or may not float to feminine at times. Others identify strongly and solely as masculine regardless of their outward appearance. If a trans male wants to transition to a more masculine appearance many will do testosterone and the top surgery to remove their breasts. In Jaxon's experience, trans males that elect to do surgeries do testosterone for months or years first, and the top surgery election is more common than the bottom surgery options. But, every trans male being is unique. Again, these definitions are only meant as a starting place for conversation. These are not gospel definitions! :)
- UNICORN: Typically refers to a cis female who is single, sometimes bisexual, and looks primarily for no-strings attached fun with a couple. This is different than a hotwife, who typically is married and only plays with single men. It is called a "Unicorn", because finding a single female who truly wants "no strings attached" fun is extremely rare, like trying to find the mythical creature.
- VERS - "Versatil" en espanol: Term referring to enjoying both giving and receiving anal sex. Some verses like to bottom mostly, but occasionally "flip" as they call it: this would be called a "Bottom/Vers", like Jaxon. Some verses like to top mostly, but occasionally "flip" as well: this is called a "Top/Vers". In Jaxon's opinion, a true vers and a true switch are uncommon, but definitely out there. Even if some truly want both every session, the logistics of facilitating that and/or some other sexual preference finds them filling the role of one or the other. A true 50/50 verse "at heart" often finds difficulty in getting a flip experience with every encounter due to the logistics and sexual preferences of their partner that drive the encounter as well.